All of us need some support to keep our own integrity when we have experienced loss, and so many people think that they know what we want! And yes I do feel cranky and burst into tears unexpectedly, and then use lots of energy and do lots of things and then crash out in the middle of the day and then stay awake half the night.
This is grief, the complete distortion of all my systems when my beloved Peter died just 8 weeks ago. And no I cannot make decisions about his possessions or how I want to spend my future or whether I want his ashes preserved in a crystal ring or whether I want to wash his jacket because then I lose a sense and smell of him.
What is helping?
1. Having my special box (from India, where we spent great times together) to put special mementos.
2. Taking my time about 'sorting' about so much stuff (what to give, what to keep, what to throw and what to go to the charity shop. Remembering that I might keep certain things 'for the moment').
3. Starting an album of photos and people's comments on their cards, letter and emails. It is easy to forget all the insights and memories of others, I have messages from Malaysia, Kazakhstan, Czech Republic, Israel, India, Australia, Greece,Ireland as well as all parts of UK.
4. Plant a pot or trough of your beloved's favourite flowers and herbs. Peter loved Lily of the Valley (he wore them for our wedding), and used thyme in all his cooking.
5. Find your favourite photo of your partner and also one of you both. Reduce them to business card size, laminate them and put them in your purse. For quiet times and and reflective walks
'I was one among many thousands in the square
But always too late, too far at the back to see'
The Odyssey, A Stage Play by Derek Walcott 1993
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